I made a dentist appointment. It was time. I'm fairly certain I have at least one cavity, there's tartar everywhere, and my gums are receding. (
Come back, I call.
The party's up here! No reply.
Thass cold, I whisper.) It's been over two years since my last appointment, which is the only explanation for the state of my mouth, because I brush my teeth all the time - ask my college roommate. And I do realize this is more than you ever needed to know about my teeth.
So maybe I have a
tiny bit of dentist anxiety, but mostly it's a secret fear that when the dentist peeks in my mouth his eyes will widen with horror until he has to look away in disgust. "Your mouth..." he'll say, unable to finish the sentence. He'll confer with the hygienists and consider referring me to a specialist, but ultimately decide that he can't do that to a fellow dentist. "No," he'll bravely say, "This is my responsibility. I made an oath to master any set of teeth, no matter how repulsive." So he will examine my teeth. He will clean them himself, too noble to put any hygienist through that. And when it's all over, he will tell me not to eat or drink for half an hour and then lock himself in his office for two weeks to recover.
...My appointment is still two weeks away. This craziness is just going to escalate.
[Historical note: My teeth have been out to get me since they popped up. Not literally, which is good because if any part of my body turned on me, I would not want it to be the teeth.* My mouth was too small to fit all of them, so I had ten teeth removed before getting braces. Then the wisdom teeth came out.** I wish I'd kept all of them on a necklace so I could wear it into battle. Or to the dentist itself! Show them all I'm not afraid.***]
* Although I think I would prefer that to the emotional pain of having my nose turn itself up at me.
** Which was a whole big thing, as wisdom teeth surgeries usually are. One of the nurses wore black scrubs, which I thought was weird and a little ominous, but apparently he was a pretty cool guy because as they wheeled me out I called feebly, "Good bye, nice nurse!"
*** Yes I am.
Image via Parking Lot Confessional.
