FREE TO GOOD HOME: Episode 1

We live in the country. I mean, Lancaster City has been fairly well hipsterfied, and we have a Target less than half an hour away. So we're trying. But if you regularly find yourself in traffic behind a horse and buggy, it's safe to say you're living in the country.

Which is sometimes GREAT. Like when you need some cheering up so you go on Craigslist and look through the "Free" section and find that people are giving away things like:

Four leghorn chickens they found on the side of the road one day. The three females lay some "pretty nice" eggs. There's no telling what the male does all day, but probably he walks around saying things like, "Go--I say, go away, boy, ya bother me."

"That's a joke, son."


A fica plant. Not a ficus. Nope, this baby is just gonna withhold Social Security and Medicare tax from your paycheck.

That is heavy. Heavier than you know, little plant.

Also known as a Guido Casket.

Can you believe they're just GIVING this AWAY? FOR FREE??

One thing I've found! Is that the scarier! And more dangerous! An item is! The more excited they sound!! LIKE WITH THIS TETANUS-INDUCING DEATH SHEET!!! 

"COME SEE MY BEAUTIFUL GARDEN ART BUT FIRST MIGHT I ASK IF YOUR SHOTS ARE UP TO DATE!!!!"

Free Rock. Free Rock! Free Rock? Free Rock.

I'm not sure which rock is being offered, as there are two large rocks in this picture. But maybe one is technically considered a boulder? And, I know this is being a little picky, but the description is like a less-excited echo of the title. If I were the author of this advertisement, I would definitely keep the title. Love that energy. But I think I would use the description for a call to action, something like, "Come 'n' get it!"

Then again, maybe this is a call to action. Maybe the rock is being held prisoner on that lawn and we are being called to free Rock. Free Rock!

I can't even make fun of this one. It is a very pretty picture.


Stay tuned for the next installment of FREE TO GOOD HOME, when we count how many listings there are for free firewood and pianos. Which I guess could also be used for firewood, if you really wanted. In fact, most of the listings can be thrown in a fire. Except Rock. Rock will never be thrown in a fire. Rock will be free. Someday, Rock -- will -- be -- free.


None of these images belong to me but I also don't know how to credit them. So if you took any of these pictures and are displeased with me for posting them on here, please leave a comment below and I will do my best to make reparations. Would you like an old water bottle from a hospital? Or a close-up picture of a persimmon cut out of a magazine?