10 Ways to Ruin Ladies' Night

It's Good Friday, you guys.

. . .

Okay, good. I assumed all the Catholics would be like, "Oh shit!" and run off to  scourge themselves or something. Maybe eat some fish. But, now that they're gone, we can talk about them.

. . .

So, Catholics, huh? Amirite?

I used to be Catholic,* but now I'm The Kind of Person who Goes Out with The Ladies at Work on Good Friday. Not sure what you'd call that. Jewish? Whatever.

The point is, I have always wanted to work at a place where Ladies' Night is a thing. Actually going to Ladies' Night isn't that appealing since I don't like other human people, but I'm also not great at thinking up excuses, so when the other ladies are like, "You haaave to coooome," and I just stammer and tell them I should really stay home and give my eyelashes a perm, they see right through it. And call me names. And throw staplers at me until I agree to go with them.

So instead of fighting it, I've devised several ways to make sure I'm never invited back. Then when somebody asks if I'm going to paint pottery, I can say, "Oh, honey. Ladies' Night can't handle me."

All part of my clever plan.

10 Ways to Ruin Ladies' Night

and ensure you'll never have to hang out with anyone, ever

1. Take five shots of tequila and take your shirt off. On the drive over.
2. Go to karaoke. Only sing the backup parts. Oohs and shoo-wops all night long.
3. Play mini golf. Show up in argyle with a caddy and swing like it's regular golf.
4. Start a fight with the bachelorette party at the dueling piano bar. (This will only ruin Ladies' Night if someone actually gets hurt. If it's only a light tussle, the dueling piano background music will make it seem like you're an old-timey Western.)
5. Talk about your feelings. Cry.
6. Go see a musical. Talk loudly about how fake the set looks. 
7. Start gossiping about one of the ladies with you. When she confronts you, say, "Oh, I thought your name was Miranda." Keep talking about her.
8. Bring your kids.
9. "Forget" your wallet.
10. When it's your turn to pick what to do, suggest volunteering.

* At Catholic school we always had a half-day on Good Friday, because apparently Jesus was on the cross from noon until 3:00. We weren't allowed to speak during those three hours, out of respect - but what about the time difference? Jesus wasn't on the cross at noon California time, so really those three hours probably should have happened at night, when we wouldn't have to develop a strange sign language to use on the jungle gym until our mom made us go inside to pray.

Image via All-Star Skates.