I Should've Been a Bachelor

Here's something the stereotypes don't tell you: Sometimes girls are messy.

Not endearingly untidy or adorably scatterbrained, but deeply, patholigically dirty, in a way that makes you clasp your hand to your bosom and whisper, "How can you live like this?"

It's disgusting, but messiness usually means the girl is brilliant, beautiful, and/or wildly talented.

It just so happens that none of those applies to me. I am just gross.

I am also hungry, most of the time. Sometimes when I don't eat for over half an hour, I start to cry - brave, blubbering tears over the punishment I put myself through to maintain this fantastic bod.

Stop laughing.

Whenever The Hunger comes upon me, nothing can stop my path of destruction through everything  even remotely edible in the general vicinity.

Not even an expiration date.

When I first moved to Pennsylvania and hung out in The Boy's apartment all day while looking for a job, there wasn't much to eat. The Boy can't eat eggs, gluten, or dairy, so I didn't have many options for edible food. I bought a loaf of bread and made tuna sandwiches most days, but after a week or so I finally realized that the mayonnaise had expired in 2011.

I read the date mid-bite, but instead of spitting it out and throwing the rest of the sandwich away, I figured I might as well finish it. If I was going to die anyway, it seemed foolish to die hungry.

After I finished, I put the relish away and reached for the mayonnaise.

And paused.

And thought about my actions.

The garbage wasn't full; it wasn't as if throwing this old mayonnaise away would require a trip to the dumpster. But I kind of thought I might want tuna the next day, and throwing the bottle away today meant a trip to the store tomorrow. Besides, the trash was behind a closed cabinet, and the fridge door was already open.

Really, the decision was made for me.

I recently bough a new jar of mayo, after finishing the last one about a month ago. New expiration date: May 2014.

Well. We'll see.




Image of Marlene Deitrich by Eugene Robert Richee, via tumblr; “La Naine Dona Mercedes” by Ignacio Zuloaga, via Where is Pierre.