I love weddings. Weddings are my sports. Sometimes I wish I had made more close friends during high school and college not because I wanted to spend time with other human beings, but because Wedding Season is coming up, and it seems that all my acquaintances are getting married. I knew lots of people well enough that I should congratulate them on Facebook, but not well enough that I get an invitation.
But I'm a really good wedding guest! I shout. I never cry loudly during the ceremony, and I will ask your grandpa to dance! As long as he doesn't get fresh on the dance floor!
Clearly, all my close friends need to pick it up a little so I can attend some more weddings. Like the one friend who bought a house with her boyfriend? That backyard would be perfect for a simple ceremony in a couple weeks. I'll take a leave of absence from work and help you plan it. IT'LL BE FUN!
Or the one who's been going out with her man for half a decade? Let's just put that year-long trip to Japan on hold until after you get hitched. Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband waiting for you back in the States?
And my single friends can just match right up. I'll arrange it all, don't you worry about a thing. Come over for dinner tomorrow night, you'll have a ball.
Notice that I'm not stepping up to the plate. That's because I don't want to risk developing a patronizing tone as an old married woman who's seen this all before. I want the celebration of my friends' nuptials to be fresh and joyful and a total delight, not old news.
I'm going to a wedding next weekend, and I am a hot mess about it. I'm guessing at least some of you must be anxious little freaks like I am, so here's a guide to getting through any wedding with grace and poise:
- Start looking for an outfit online as soon as you receive the Save the Date.
- Find out who else is going so you can book hotels with them.
- This is a delicate maneuver. If you aren't sure whether they were invited or not and don't want to risk hurting feelings, try this approach:
You: Have you talked to that mutual friend we have lately?
Them: Not very lately.
You: Yeah, me neither. Sooo, ya got any plans June 20th?
Them: I don't think so, why?
You: Oh. Just...it's my quarter-birthday, plus three days. (act hurt that they didn't remember)
Them: That's...weird. Oh, wait - actually, I am going to our mutual friend's wedding that day, were you invited?
Works every time. - Freak out when you get the invitation because you still haven't found a dress to wear.
- Look through their registry. Buy the gravy boat and a punch bowl. Tell your date, "IT'S A CLASSIC GIFT! THEY'LL THINK IT'S FUNNY! Plus, they registered for it, so."
- Regret buying them a gravy boat and punch bowl when you find out your friend got them a hot air balloon trip for two over wine country. Shrug and mumble, "Well, they registered for my gift, so." Tell them the groom is afraid of heights, whether or not that's true.
- Redouble your outfit-finding efforts. Surreptitiously browse at work. Only rein yourself in when your searches drift toward flowy, sequined jumpsuits. Nobody else will know it's a joke and everyone will think you're weird.
- Oh no! The shoes you ordered - the perfect, beautiful shoes that you would give your life for if they were in trouble - have been canceled! The seller on ebay advertised the shoes in your size, and then turned around five days before the wedding and told you he actually didn't have them in a size 6, after all.
- REMAIN CALM.
- Definitely don't roll around on the bed in despair and utter the words, "BUT THOSE SHOES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL. THEY WERE THE PERFECT SHOES AND EVERY OTHER SHOE IS UGLY." Or if you do say that, at least make sure your boyfriend isn't around to write down what you said and read it back to you from time to time in a serious voice, like he's in an experimental play.
- Wear an outfit you already own.
- Go to the wedding. Dance your little feet off. You wouldn't have kept those beautiful shoes on for longer than twenty minutes, anyway.
Image via Hungeree.
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