News from the Weather Channel

Before you scroll down, you should know that the caption is, "They Found THIS on Radar":

BATS.

The Weather Channel never disappoints. Take this little gem:

I didn't actually read either article, so I'm not sure if the second one goes on to say, "Nope, that would be absurd. But thanks for boosting our traffic!"

On the other hand, let's examine the facts: 

1.  I'm using more colons in this post than I ever have before.

2.  This cat is either in the snow, or it's been badly Photoshopped and also has extreme dandruff.

3.  Those eyes are magnificent. Hypnotic. He's like the Daniel Craig of cats. Or he's wearing colored contacts to conceal his identity. Nice try, Murder Cat.

4.  Hiding in snow would be the perfect ruse for a dolphin-killing feline. Dolphins can't swim in solid water! They'll never get away!

5.  Cats are notoriously evil. Snow Cats are the most dastardly of all. 

6.  Cats eat fish. But ordinary fish present no challenge to Snow Cat. Murder Cat. I've used too many names. Snurder Cat. 

7.  Snurder Cat sounds real stupid. I'll just switch off, because you know what I mean.

8.  A feline as villainous as Murder Cat, its heart cold as its wintry habitat, would only be satisfied hunting the cleverest prey: THE DOLPHIN.

9.  You know, to go back to the first picture, those bats probably knew where the radar was the whole time. They probably plotted to all flock together and freak us out, and now they're screeching at the hilarity of humans trying to use their own tactics against them. "ECHOLOCATION, BITCHEZ," they chatter, before dispersing to their various attics. Like so many old people.

10. Dolphins also use echolocation. 

11. The Weather Channel is almost definitely run by Snow Cats. Now the real headline should be, "SNOW CATS: HUNGRY FOR DOLPHIN, OR JUST JEALOUS OF SONAR?"

12. Late spring is clearly a slow time, weather-news-wise.

Images via The Weather Channel. I keep it up on my screen all day at work, refreshing it every hour like a countdown to the end of my day.  ...My job isn't very interesting.