Apparently it's the thing these days to go out into the world after graduation and make friends you didn't meet in your 10am lecture. You'd never catch me doing it, but I am here to inform, so I have devised a fool-proof guide to making friends. Grown-up friends. The kind with whom you do lunches and go jogging.
If you're into that sort of thing.
- Move to a new town/city/country. While it is possible to meet new friends in your hometown or near your college, you're more likely to bum around with the same people you've known for years. To really get the genuine experience of grasping for friendship in a sea of vulnerability, you'll have to feel the bone-crushing isolation of being completely alone.
- Find some cool new adult clothes and decorate your new adult apartment. Keep it funky-fresh. Maybe install a wall garden. Or something solar-powered.
- Discover your city's values and tout them with your every action. Does your town recycle? Help out by picking through your neighbor's trash bins to find some treasures you can upcycle. You can dress like a raccoon if you want. Neighborhood watch program? Hide behind trees and jump out to scare strangers away. Flash your pepper spray. Menace them a little. Your neighbors will thank you - and more importantly, they'll fear you.
- Also, use words like tout in all of your conversations.
- Share something with the people you meet. Like your lunch. Or your feelings.
They'll love it! - Take some classes. Just like in college, show up ten minutes late, wearing sweats and eating a burrito. Spend the entire time "taking notes" on your laptop, then hit your classmates with a killer opening line on the way out:
- "I should have taken pottery. Think it's too late to switch?"
- "Where's the best place to buy some weed around here?"
- "Want the rest of my burrito?" - Join a club. Same principle. But maybe walk in and shout, "WHERE DA LADIES AT?" This works for both men and women.
- Other places to meet potential friends: Lines at the supermarket or DMV, waiting rooms at the dentist or free clinic, browsing at the library, hanging out at the park or public pool, community events, seedy bars, the internet, drug deals, street corners, that hole in the airport bathroom wall, at work. Bonus points if you already work at one of those places!
- If all else fails, acquire great wealth. Adopt a panda. Buy a ball pit. Maybe learn some magic tricks. Change your name to Cougar. Then just sit back and wait as the friends come flocking to you.
Good luck, friends!
Images via flickr, 500 Sandwiches.
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