GOOSE DAY LIVEBLOG

Today The Boy and I are celebrating our own Christmas before we go to spend the real day in California with my family. We set out cookies and milk last night (which were not eaten, because it's Fake Christmas, and Santa was not about to travel all the way out here a few days early just to enable our delusions), and this morning we opened presents and ate bacon and got ready to cook our Christmas goose.

Goose isn't really all that different from any other bird you might want to roast, but I was being vegetarian at the age when most young people really learn to cook, so I'm still a little new to the whole process and full of questions. Like, what if you have  a cut on your hand and some of the fowl germs get into your bloodstream? Will I get bird flu? Why do they cut the neck off but leave the neck skin flapping about? I know a lot of people name their birds before they roast them, but is there any contingency - maybe a subgroup of PETA - that really frowns on that? And is it really so bad to dress up an animal after it's already dead? Or is that even worse than when it's alive?

Please advise.

Love, Carrie.

PS - I really am a little worried about the goose germs getting inside me. If this turns into an epidemic of Goose AIDS - GAIDS - I'm gonna be pissed that nobody warned me about it.

Thanks, Julia Child.

2:16 - Just got back from the store, where I completely lost my head when I couldn't find any pre-mixed nuts. Instead, I bought four bags of different kinds of nuts and will mix them myself. I WILL HAVE MY NUTS MIXED BEFORE I CRACK THEM.

But seriously, we can only eat so many nuts before our nutcracker gives out and we have to break them open with large rocks, like heathens. If you know anyone in need of some mixed nuts, please leave their address in the comments, and I will leave some in their shoes on Christmas Eve. Dutch-style.

3:30 - Goose is being stuffed with citrus and onions. I'm startled and alarmed by how relaxing it is, being elbow deep inside a wet, wrinkled carcass.

That's all I plan to say on that.

3:40 - Pricking goose skin so fat can escape as it cooks. Boy, while stabbing: THUS ALWAYS FOR POULTRY.

It tried to escape. But it could not.
Also, I'm a little worried that we're actually roasting a tiny, old dinosaur man.

4:15 - The Boy just stuck his whole head into the oven to check on the goose. Then I pushed him in, pleased that now I don't have to worry about a second course anymore. What a clever hostess am I.

4:35 - Hour one of goose cookery has passed. I'm planning to start a company that sells mixed nuts - or, if you prefer, assorted sorted nuts. Some people don't like their nuts mixed, and that's okay by me. Auntie Carrie just wants you to be happy.

4:41 - Idea for a Mixed Nut Party, where everyone brings one nut to add to the mix. Party really slows down once it becomes clear that everyone brought Brazil nuts.

5:13 - There has been something of a sauce debacle. Pepper-cherry-wine-balsamic vinegar sauce may sound fancy and Christmas-y in theory, but when somebody doesn't like it at first taste and feelings are hurt, you may start to wonder whether having goose sauce is even worth it. But soldier on. Even if you don't use the sauce for dinner, there's something pleasantly cheery about popping rich, peppery cherries into your mouth while you check on the bird. And we are ALL ABOUT THE CHEER.

5:51 - The rest of dinner is not as exciting. Sauteed mushrooms, roasted asparagus, and potatoes. BUT WAIT. The potatoes are going to be fried in goose fat, which looks like this as it's being rendered:

Yum!

It's gettin' pretty Fight Club up in here, but once the potatoes are fried we'll sprinkle them with sea salt, so that should fancy them up again.

I saw a book yesterday that tests your hipster cred. I'm not sure, but I think rendering your own goose fat to make potato chips would rate fairly high on there. "Oh these?" we'll say to our guests as they marvel over our culinary triumph, "They're cooked in goose fat from our own goose. You've probably never had them before. Duck fat fries are so mainstream."

6:14 - The Boy wonders if we need "a sprig of something to decorate the goose." HE HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE CHEER.

7:52 - To sum up, our dinner:

11:06 - The goose has been et and the dishes washed. After dinner, we all played a rousing game of Snapdragon, an old Victorian parlor game where you put raisins and brandy in a bowl and then light the brandy on fire and try to snatch the raisins out of the flaming liquid.

AND A MERRY NIGHT WAS HAD BY ALL.



Images via Sarah Says Read, The Full Wiki.

Not Your Average Christmas Pageant

I don't really need this crutch, but the ladies love a cripple!

Before I switched to public school, with its Secular, Nonexclusive Holiday Pageants-That-Ensure-None-of-the-Kids-Cry-Because-They-Didn't-Have-the-Opportunity-to-Express-Their-Own-Special-Snowflake-Traditions-Through-"Songs-of-the-Winter-Holiday"-Sung-in-the-Apathetic-Drone-of-Twenty-Five-Children-in-Homemade-Costumes . . . I went to Catholic school.

Ah. Catholic school Christmas pageants.

These were not mere shows, but grand spectacles dedicated to the young baby Jesus' emergence from the womb - which I always thought they should act out in all its vivid, Technicolor glory. The nativity is all about a birth, but you never see actual labor. Of course, you might suppose that a tiny Lord and Savior would just slip quietly out, all humble and Don't worry about it, I'll just be born in a barnyard like some sort of dumb animal, but I think it would be educational for children to watch the Virgin Mary screaming and grunting in pain. Various bodily fluids spurting about. Elaborate sets of a giant birth canal. Maybe a musical number celebrating the accomplishments of the reproductive system. Then that big moment when Joseph belts out, "The King of kings is croooowning!" while all the kids are dressed as Fallopian tubes and waving umbilical cords around like wet ribbons. Could be a very effective, Pope-approved form of birth control for Catholics.

Not to mention, a theatrical triumph! A real tour de force!

Miss Anderson's first grade class proudly presents: NATIVITY! 
First five rows are the Splash Zone - GET READY to GET WET.

Image via this blog.

On the Decoration of Trees

Guten morgen!  Season's greetings!  This morning we have some helpful tips you can use to make sure you have the best and brightest Christmas tree in your neighborhood.  Unless you live in my neighborhood, in which case your tree will be second best and kind of dim, comparatively. 

1. Choosing the Right Time:

Apparently this was the weekend to decorate Christmas trees, since the weekend after Thanksgiving was, clearly, the ideal time to buy the tree.  So if you don't already have it, you should probably just wait till next year.  Or, you can convert to Judaism.  Hanukkah starts November 27 next year, and menorahs don't wilt.  Even an idiot can handle that.

Speaking of wilting, make sure you stock up on liquid cheer for watering your tree.  This will keep it fresh and glowing throughout the holiday season.  If you choose to use plain old water like some sort of jackass, your tree will end up looking like a giant turkey carcass by December 24th.

The anti-cheer.

2.  Picking Your Tree:

We all know that the worst part of decorating a Christmas tree is finagling the lights: digging them out of storage, untangling them from the chaos that has somehow destroyed last year's nice coils, and winding the strands around the tree in a sort of prickly tango. This year, buy your Christmas tree with the lights already on it.  SCIENCE has engineered a new strain of firs that grow up out of the ground with lights bulbs already on the branches, splashing colored light on the snow.  Very cheerful, no?

Yes, very cheerful, indeed.

3.  Spend approximately two hours tying the tree to the roof of your car with heavy-duty ropes.  Twine is for amateurs. 

**Note:  Somebody out there will assuredly forget to bring rope.  Maybe you thought you could just toss it in the trunk, leaning over the seats like a pair of skis or some lumber.  My response to that is not appropriate even for the internet, and especially not around Christmas time, so I will instead ask you to just leave now, and please never participate in Christmas again.  You've disappointed us all.  Just go.

4.  Spend approximately three hours untying the tree from the roof of your car, using gardening shears because you've tied the knots too tightly, and then haul it inside to set up in the stand you've placed in the living room, preferably near a window.  This will allow for natural light to illuminate your tree during the day, while giving passers-by the privilege of stealing a glimpse of the glowing vision of yuletide glory that is your tree.  Have a friend stand at one end of the room and tell you which way to tip it until your tree stands straight and proud.  If it takes longer for you to get it straight than it did for the tree to grow, your friend is messing with you.

5.  Now, all you have to do is flit around the tree like a Christmas fairy, tucking garland under branches, nestling colored glass balls among the needles.  Breathe in the pine scent; let it fill your whole being.  That is the smell of your neighbors seething, writhing, spitting with envy.  And that, after all, is what Christmas is all about.

6.  Tinsel deserves its own number.  To have a truly cheery tree, you must douse your tree in tinsel so that it looks like a glitter blizzard decimated your home.

Beautiful.

7.  Congratulations!  Your tree is truly a delight to behold.  Now, just find the perfect topper, and you'll be done.

Perfect!

BONUS:  While wandering about the internet shouting for tree pictures, I found this little gem, which will serve as the main inspiration for next year's decorations.  Christmas 2013's theme is tentatively being called "OH CHRISTMAS TWEE."  We are very excited.

"We put birds on things!"

Images via Natotela Africa! Green GOP, Just Humor Me, Technabob, Seasons for All.

It's Christmas Time in the Country

The law office where I work is a charming old farm house with narrow staircases and old plumbing and a very cold attic. Because we're out in the country, we often have Amish clients come in - I'm pretty shy naturally, but even if I were super outgoing I'd have trouble carrying on a conversation with the Amish. Plus, I always feel like they're offended by my exposed knees.

"How's the farm?" I usually shout at them, because when I get nervous I can't always control the volume of my voice.

Last Thursday word spread that I was starting to decorate the office for Christmas. Soon all the ladies were gathered in the reception area, decking the halls while one of the lawyers sang "Angels We Have Heard on High" in Latin. Our boss, the one man in the office, was all like, "O hey guys, wanna draft some documents?" And we were just like, "HELL NAW, MAN. MORE CHEER." Then we draped him merrily with tinsel.

Image of Christmas Troy via Community Things.

Things I Like

CHRISTMAS.

And alllll the preeesentssss.

Something about this time of year just makes my old Grinch heart swell to three times its normal size, and I become gleefully, giddily drunk off all the festive revelry and merriment.  And now that it's officially December 1, I don't have to feel weird about furtively turning down the all-Christmas-music radio station when I stop at traffic lights so that nobody in the other cars will know my shame.  So to celebrate the season, Suddenly She Sneezed will be dedicated to CHEER for the next twenty-four days.  Then it's on to Boxing Day, and the holiday spirit really just peters out by New Year's.



Image via Shorpy.