Super Bowl 2014 for Those Who Don't Sports

Somehow, I end up at a Super Bowl party every year with no idea how I came to be there. I guess I get swept up in the anticipation of all the cheesy foods, but I can't just load all the snacks in a wheelbarrow and head out (although it would save time for everyone). So I stick around for the whole game, look up from my plate once a quarter, and comment on at least three funny commercials. The rest of the time it's just me and the seven layer dip.

Someday, this will be my Super Bowl reality.

Although if I get a few jalapeno poppers in me, by halftime I usually lose all inhibitions, rip someone's jersey right off their back to wear as a turban, smear hot wing sauce under my eyes and start chanting, DO THE SPORTS! WIN THE POINTS! SCORE THE GAME!

I'm not trying to steal focus from the game. This is a last, desperate attempt to fit in. And I think it's working.

For those of you stuck in a similar situation, here are some handy tips to get you through the weekend:

1.  Pick a team. This sounds deceptively simple. Toss a coin and you're done, right? WRONG! Unlike those heathens indoctrinated since birth to live and breathe for a certain team, you were not born with a logo imprinted on your DNA and must therefore take various social mores into consideration. For instance:
   
   - House rules. Will rooting for a certain team get you kicked out before the pigs in a blanket even hit the table? THINK AGAIN.
   
   - Where are you? This morning I had to look up which teams are playing. To save you twenty seconds, it's the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos. Still not sure why they're playing in New Jersey. If you happen to be in Seattle or Denver this weekend, ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM.
   
   - Personal preference. Let's say there's a mix of fans at the party and you're on the East coast. This allows you the freedom to base your decision on the better mascot, which in this case is clearly the seahawk. I don't think I need to explain myself. Is there anything more majestic than a hawk? Now put it in the ocean.
   
2. Buddy system. Make sure you have an ally at all times - a friend who will stand by the chip and dip table with you and talk about Not Sports. Choose this person carefully. You don't want someone who'll bail on you at halftime because they told Charlie they might stop  by and like, they haven't seen Charlie since he had a kid and left for Afghanistan.
   
   Whatever.
   
3. Positioning. This may be the most important step, apart from Step 7. You don't want to be stuck in the corner far away from the snacks and in a seat parallel to the TV so that you have to crane your neck just to pretend you're interested in football. If possible, get there early to stake out a prime position on the couch. Right in front of the coffee table, preferably next to an arm rest. This means your bladder has been completely emptied and you have ceased all consumption of liquids at least two hours prior to game time. Be mindful of any liquids that enter your general vicinity. You break the seal at your own risk.
   
   People to Avoid at All Costs:
   -Superfans
   -Woman who wants to get in on the fun, but understands less about football than you do. She will spend the entire game asking questions about the rules of the game instead of watching in silent boredom like the rest of you. Nobody with actual knowledge will answer her, so she will turn to you repeatedly for answers and will not catch on to your ignorance even after your fifteenth "I don't know."
   -Children. Because once you make the slightest sign of acknowledgment that the creature exists, you will be expected to look after it for the remainder of the evening. If you are a female, its parents will assume that just the whiff of a child has you foaming at the mouth with maternal longing, and that they are in fact doing you a favor by pawning their offspring off on you.
   
   If possible, sit next to the fourteen-year-old girl who looks like she'd rather be reading a book. Then talk to her about books.
   
4. Supplies.
   -Fully charged cell phone. This is not only for potential rescue phone calls from sympathetic friends, but also for, you know, playing games and stuff.
   -Snacks. If you're trying to pass yourself off as a Person Who Sports, the ultimate accessory is a beer hat. Otherwise, stock up on high-sugar, low-protein snacks like gummy worms and Warheads. Feed them to any young person you haven't been able to avoid.
   -Football cheat sheet. If you're going to try to feign any interest at all, you'll need at least a few basic phrases to yell, like "Aw, come on!" and "Yeah!" and "Lookit dat ass! Love them tight little pants."
   
5. Practice the Irish Goodbye. Let's say the worst has happened: You've been trapped in a corner between two drunk dudes arguing about stats. Your buddy has bailed. A child is attached to your leg and wailing indistinctly. That asshole Maureen drank all the Pinot Grigio, and the plate of hot wings has been reduced to a pile of bones and one celery stick. The only thing you can do is hit the floor and  crawl through people's legs. Don't stop for anything.
   
   Unless they bring out a fourth-quarter cheese ball.
   
6. The Hail Mary. Feel out the crowd. If there is a majority of People Who Don't Sports, you have the advantage. You should be able to scan the room and feel the shift in power like a gust of wind. The winds of change.
   
   This is when you Take Over the Super Bowl.
   
   Pile all jerseys you can find on the coffee table, douse them in stale beer, and set them ablaze. Claim your dominance over the snack table and set guards to bar the kitchen door. Yard by yard, you will seize their territory. IT IS YOUR MANIFEST DESTINY! CLAIM YOUR BIRTHRIGHT! THE DAY IS YOURS!

You are now free to turn on the Puppy Bowl. 

Image via Food.Love.Happiness.