Of course, that probably means something different to me than to other people I know. Instead of training for super-marathons and pretending to like kale, I'm still working on eating a vegetable once a week and going outside sometimes. I am easily impressed by people who take multivitamins and worry about their fiber intake.
Maybe someday that'll be me. Until then, this is the year that I:
- Find a doctor. Aside from the time I got a Tylenol lodged in my throat in college, I haven't gone to a doctor since my pediatrician. That made it a little awkward when I had to get a TB test before I started teaching. The parents in the waiting room kept glancing over as if expecting me to pull a sick child out of my pocket, but the nurse gave me a cartoon lion sticker that said RADICAL! on my way out, so I guess it was worth the stares.
- Go to the dentist for the first time in years. Although I did recently start flossing AND using mouthwash. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?! Four days in a row so far. Flossing and mortgage payments are the marks of a real grown up. I'm halfway there.
My teeth actually started this whole health craze. A week ago I looked in the mirror and yelped because I thought my bottom teeth were about to fall out. (Receding gums are in my genes. I guess everyone has some flaw.) So I ate an apple, flossed, and made a half-hearted search for a dentist.
I'm not afraid of going or anything - I just really liked my old dentist in California. I liked the lady who cleaned my teeth and the Korean Bibles in the waiting room and the little chair-side TV screens with the animated fish tanks on them. Now my best option is Smilebuilderz, but I don't trust any medical "professionals" who would replace the S with a Z like that. I'm afraid they'll pressure me to get a grill. - Eat salads that are at least 50% lettuce. The other 50% cannot be just cheese.
- Exercise enough that switching wet laundry to the dryer doesn't leave me winded.
- Work on being less paranoid about every little ache or twinge. But dismissing all symptoms isn't great, either. A nice, moderate amount of caution is probably best. For example...
Right now it's 3 in the morning. I've a pain in my lower right abdomen that's been getting steadily worse for several days, possibly from all my poking and prodding. The Boy is still out of town. I'm all alone and wearing a shark onesie. It's raining.
According to the interwebs, I could be suffering from:
- A peptic ulcer
- Appendicitis, naturally
- Crohn's disease. I'm not entirely sure what that is, and I didn't want to find out the specifics.
- Ovarian cysts
- Ectopic pregnancy (possibly an alien baby)
- Cramps
- Stomach bleeding. I took a lot of ibuprofen over the holidays and I'm very concerned about stomach bleeding.
- Gas?
Please let me know if you have any other suggestions, and I will google them for two hours until I'm pretty sure about my symptoms either way. Right now I'm resigned to appendicitis, but I want to hold off on going to the hospital. Every time my stomach hurt when I was a kid, my mom said, "It's probably just gas," with all the casual confidence of a woman who's raised six children. My plan is to repeat that phrase like a mantra until the pain either goes away or overwhelms me, and if anybody looks at me weird I'll just shout, "IT'S BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE" and let them make what they will of that.
The Boy had his appendix out last March. We took a 3am trip to the ER, and I cheered him up by singing every song from that one episode of Madeline until I passed out from all the excitement. After the surgery he was given some pretty nice painkillers and spent a week propped up on a pillow throne while I fanned him with palm fronds and washed his feet with my hair. Every sneeze and trip to the bathroom was agony, but at least he got a couple days off work. Better than an ectopic pregnancy.
Mostly I don't want to go to the emergency room alone. How much are you supposed to tell the person at the front desk about your symptoms? Would it be more or less uncomfortable to write a note explaining the situation and then stand there while they read it? Assuming I'm not hobbling and weak from the pain, how confident should I make myself sound? I could charge in and shout, "NURSE! PLEASE FETCH SOMEONE TO REMOVE THIS APPENDIX AT ONCE!" or go with a more casual approach, along the lines of "Welp, I may need a mop if my stomach explodes." I had the same problem a few months ago when I thought I had a lung infection and drove to Urgent Care. The nurse at the desk looked expectantly at me until I said, "Yeah, I...need some care? It's urgent."
Please advise.
...I looked up Crohn's disease. I couldn't help myself.
I wish other humans were awake so they could talk me down. Until then, I'll assume that nothing's really wrong with me after all. It's probably just gas.
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