So Rude.

or, Legitimate Reasons to Say "Tough Luck, My Friend" When a Man Asks to Marry Your Daughter:

• He refers to your daughter as "that girl."
• His "best suit" consists of black jeans, the untucked, yellowed t-shirt that he wore to bed last night, and quilted pleather jacket. 
• He doesn't even say hello when you open the door. Who's rude now?!
• His buddies are leaning against his old beater outside your gate, probably heckling.
• He boasts that your daughter will go anywhere he goes, which probably means she goes with him to the store to make sure he buys more than marshmallows and cheap beer. 
• He doesn't ask for your blessing. He asks if he can HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER. Being old-fashioned is one thing, but if someone treats your daughter like property you're allowed to frown and shake your head for a full thirty seconds. 

I feel for you, man. If you were able to get a word in edgewise through all his "say yes say yes" chatter, you could tell us your side of the story. Maybe it's an abusive relationship. Maybe the singer clubs baby seals and kicks canes out from under the elderly and takes up two spaces in the parking lot. Maybe he's responsible for jeggings. Just because he can dance on one foot doesn't mean he's a good guy. 

All right, maybe it wasn't the best idea to bring over another young fella. I know you wanted to show your daughter there are other men out there, but the blind date setup never works. She thinks he's a creep because his hair is slicked back and he doesn't understand personal space. Well, her loss. You can give me his number. That guy looks like Bernardo the Puerto Rican Dreamboat from West Side Story.

Why you gotta be so smooth?

I know you feel like the bad guy, but stay strong. The singer will reproach you, but don't give in. When he ignores your concerns and dances away, stay strong. Try not to laugh when he goes back to his friends and has a good cry in the middle of a group hug. Just proving your point. And when the entire band, along with Your Daughter the Groupie, dress up (Oh look - the guy does own a real suit! But he has to dress it down with a red beanie so he's not a sell-out) and entreat you from the front lawn, keep your cool. You can't support your daughter marrying a petulant man-child.

You realize this all started when she got that butterfly tattoo on her shoulder three years ago, don't you? "Neat-o, honey!" you said when she showed it to you. "You look like you belong in a rock 'n' roll group! Cyndi Lauper, watch your back!" What a fool you were.

The music video ends ambiguously as the group flounces down the driveway with nothing resolved. Nobody changes their mind; nobody learns anything. But let's go back to the beginning of the song, when the singer "got in my car, raced like a Jet." If his rival is the slick-haired Bernardo, the singer is clearly Riff.

"Why you gotta be so rude?"

After the music video ends, I can only assume there's a rumble where fake-Riff and fake-Nardo end up dead. Blonde Girl is distraught. There's a very moving scene in which she yells, "Are you happy now?!" at her father and crushes her flower crown under her heel.

Eventually, she runs off with the bass player in the tuxedo shirt. They have four children. Tuxedo Shirt joins a polka band ironically, and Blonde Girl opens an Etsy store selling handmade flower crowns and hemp bracelets. She visits Riff's grave every week, where her father has written in Sharpie on the tombstone:

Now you have my blessing. LOL #toughluck #sorude

Images via flickr and Aveleyman.