HEY YOU GUYS

HOOT REVIEW FOUND IT IN THEIR HEARTS TO ILLUSTRATE AND PUBLISH SOMETHING I WROTE ON ONE OF THEIR CUTE LITTLE POSTCARDS:


It's autobiographical.

 
THE ARTWORK IS DARKLY ADORABLE AND DELIGHTFULLY MORBID! A PERFECT VALENTINE FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WITH HIGH CHOLESTEROL! OR, HANG ONE ON YOUR OWN FRIDGE AS A REMINDER TO YOURSELF: YOU EAT BACON AT YOUR OWN RISK (but you still eat it, of course).

SUPPORT HOOT REVIEW'S TINY LITMAG! SEND A POSTCARD TO YOUR FRIENDS (if you like it) OR YOUR ENEMIES (if you don't).

NaNoWriMo Writing Tip of the Week: The First

Set Your Writer's Table

A cluttered work space reflects a cluttered mind. A cluttered mind puts forth cluttered writing, and soon you find yourself writing nothing but threatening messages in the thick layer of dust coating every surface, your poor manuscript forgotten on the ... well, it's somewhere around here. Under a planter, in the refrigerator, lining a tiny hole as insulation for a rat's nest - who knows.

If you want your readers to feast on delicate morsels of finely-crafted sentences, then create a calm, decadent atmosphere in which to surround yourself. Light some candles. Hire a butler. Dress in your finest each time you sit down to write. Your writing will likewise become sophisticated and refined, and whoever designs your book cover will probably put a monocle on there.

Daily Exercise:  Create a meal that reflects whatever project you're working on at the moment. Set the table and reserve a place for your manuscript, as well. Pour it a glass of wine. Cut its meat for it. Then, lovingly and sensuously, smear the food you've prepared over every page you've written. Let the words absorb every particle of food; stain your writing with sauces and grease; grind any leftover crumbs into the very fibers of the paper. Once that's done, place your manuscript squarely upon your plate, cut off a corner, and eat it. Eat the whole thing. Only then can you truly become your story.

Below are the plates of authors who have successfully used this technique:

Oscar Wilde

Harper Lee

Dr. Seuss

Edward Gorey

Ernest Hemingway

Images via Tim Chester, Travel & Leisure, Kate Sears for Martha Stewart, District GPS, 30 Pounds of Apples, Clairey Hewitt.

In which Carrie writes a letter.

But which letter to choose? L? P? Would a number be better?

Dear Internet,

Well, I admit that I have not exactly been a Portrait of the Artist as a Young Struggling Writer, what with having a job and regular meals and all that. But as of 3:41 this afternoon, I am officially unemployed.

Again.

On the bright side, I really think people will actually start to recognize me as a writer now. Somehow, the unmistakable stench of unwashed hair mixed with sad desperation and whiskey will be like a foghorn bellowing my plight to the world.

"HEY, YOU GUYS," the passers-by will say, "THAT SMELLY WOMAN IS A WRITER, I THINK."

"THE ONE WITH THE UNKEMPT HAIR WHO'S ONLY WEARING ONE SHOE?" other people will ask.

Then I will shush them irritably because some of us are trying to write, thank you, as I return to the growing pile of scribbled-on paper napkins stacked on the table next to me.

But really, I think this new unemployment situation will be a good thing. Plus, I won't have any more priests yelling at me or auto repair guys calling me "sweetie." At least, not over the phone, for $9 an hour.

My only regret is that I couldn't yank my phone out of the wall and hurl it across the room before storming out of that menial telemarketing job, shouting about the undignified conditions stifling my artistic sensibilities. Instead, I just got a call from my temp agency informing me that unfortunately, this has been my last day. I even said thank you before I hung up. Like some sort of sap.

Fond regards,
Carrie



Image via Stephanie Abbot.