Recipes from Auntie Carrie's Kitchen

Those of you who know me are already aware that I am an excellent cook. Why, just last week I made Very Good Grilled Cheese, a recipe that's been in my family since the invention of sliced bread.* And who could forget the Instant Pudding Fest of '09, when everyone showed up with butterscotch and Bill Cosby wrote that particularly nasty response to our fan letter? Sadly, though, The Boy's stomach will not let him eat gluten, dairy, or eggs, so my talents are wasted in light of these culinary cutbacks.

Basically, we eat a lot of Mexican. Every day's a fiesta here in South Central PA.

His diet doesn't really affect me, since I can gobble down five dozen eggs and entire bushels of raw wheat while he's at work and doesn't know what he's missing. For dinners and weekends, however, we have to be a little more creative. Sometimes we're able to whip up mushrooms in a white wine bath or beef bourguignon, tipping our hats at our own fanciness, but last night we tried to finagle a recipe for flax meal pancakes with egg, milk, and flour substitutes.

They turned out great, since we just happened to be in the mood for globby, grainy banana-discs smothered in syrup to hide the distinct, old-person flavor of all the flax. Now, I really shouldn't give away all my secrets, but I suppose - oh, just this once, now! - Auntie Carrie will share this wonderful, hearty recipe with you.

Breakfast or burgers? Who can tell!

Perfect Flax Meal Pancakes 
(made with egg, milk, and wheat substitutes)

Yield: Half a serving. Throw the other half out, or save for disc golf.

1.  Find a recipe for gluten-free, vegan flax meal pancakes. I hope you didn't think I would just give you the recipe. We searched for half an hour just to find one recipe whose ingredients we could pronounce. The reward will be much greater if you have to struggle for it.
   
   
2. Start mixing everything together. We used flax meal, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, and some other stuff I can't remember right now. Honey, vinegar, stuff like that. Basically just throw in whatever you need to use up. Leftover ham, a mushy cucumber, some mold. If you don't happen to have flax on hand, just use some sand: it tastes almost the same, and it's full of nutrients!
   
   
3. Grind up some bananas. If you have to gag, that's okay. Bananas are disgusting, but it seems they make a bang-up substitute for eggs in pancake recipes. I'm still unconvinced. Wouldn't use 'em in waffles.
   
4. Mix everything up. Shout, "HEY. IT LOOKS LIKE BATTER." Smile creepily at your cooking partner.
   
   

   

   Hooray for cooking!

   
   
5. Heat up some oil in a pan. Don't let it get too hot now, or you'll end up with fried dough lumps, all charred on the outside and wet in the middle. The recipe actually calls for coconut oil, but it turns out you have none because coconut oil is especially useful for shaving your legs. Shout, "This sort of thing would never have happened to Julia Child!" and dissolve into tears for the next twenty minutes. Collect your tears and use the liquid in place of the oil.
   
6. FRY THOSE BAD BOYS UP! You'd think that they would get all bubbly on the top like real pancakes, but they don't. They just sort of lay there all still, like a Victorian woman in the sack. So just do a hundred fancy flips with your spatula and then wrangle with the pan a little to get your pancakes off their blackened backs and onto their bellies. Pour yourself a cup of coffee  and then prod your little cakes. Are they strangely springy, despite their crisp exterior? When you poke your spatula into them, is there a distinct ooze? Then HOORAY, THEY'RE DONE!
   
7. Enjoy. Eat them as soon as possible - literally flip them right out of the pan and into your mouth. With any luck, the heat will scorch your taste buds and make the pancakes seem almost edible.

Next week I'll be sharing my secret recipe for Auntie Carrie's Butterscotch Pudding made in a crockpot. You won't want to miss it!




*Before then, we were known for our Pretty Okay Grilled Cheese.



Image by Alan Shapiro.